A few more days... today, tomorrow, the day after, and then finally-!!! finally, I'm sort of starting college.  Of course, what I'm really doing is starting a pre-orientation program, but at least I'll be moving in and meeting new people... +_+

I would totally be more excited about this all if I hadn't fucked my internship slightly ... I'm supposed to be writing a paper about my project, but silly me didn't work on it at all, practically, since February.  I've done some minor edits but it's so depressingly incomplete.  I can barely work on it for an hour.. I need to read more research and properly footnote everything, and my results are so sadflkjdlaskjf and hard to interpret and I'm trying to be frank but I don't know what I'm talking about, not really.  

/sigh

And Monday is my last day and S has been telling the prof that I've been working on it, except of course I haven't UGHHH. So, I'm dreading meeting her, even though I want to thank her properly for everything she's done for me! >< I guess I wouldn't feel as guilty about all this if I hadn't seen her in so long, and it's been longer still since I've talked to her frankly about my project and the direction it has been going in.  She usually spends time in her office, and I'm in the rather lonely lab...  Even though I do care, I think senior year and having to do the HSP has made me increasingly apathetic.  Or maybe if I was just a more hardworking, honest person, this wouldn't be so bad (probably). 

But I guess I'll just have to try my best and wrap it up by tonight, write the thank you cards (another groan ><)...

I'm finally eighteen, by the way.  My brother got me the most gorgeous messenger bag ever, my dad an old french book, my mother this set of really nice bath salts and moisturizer, my friends got me a BN giftcard, chocolate bars, a ticket to Julie and Julia, a bottle of sparkling apple cider.. my brother's girlfriend got me a really cute insulated shopping bag and a box of orgasmically awesome chocolates (I LOVE HER SO MUCH ;;__;;), and Ducky... made me the most adorable kitty plushy ever (which she insists is a squirrel xD).  It was Nice.  I do, however, find it ironic that people whom I barely am friends with tell me happy birthday on facebook.  And they all are like, "happy birthday, julia."  How depressingly formulaic. :/  Can't you say something more?  Tell me you're having a good summer, hope I am too, offer advice or make jokes about being older..? Add a smiley face to the end of your message??!

I find myself still a little creeped out by the fact that I'm eighteen.  I still feel like I'm fifteen or twelve... depressingly immature.  Maybe it's because I haven't talked to people in a week, and before that I barely saw any of my friends over the summer...

I also find it pathetically amusing that the first *ever* "party" where I drank alcohol was a wedding where I didn't know anyone and had a hideous time staring off into space while people around me (the ones at my table were my age and younger) got drunk.  It speaks volumes about my "social" life up to this point XD--though I won't deny that I have had amazing friends who are fun to talk to and hang out with, and I have had memorable outings with them... I guess it's just that I haven't had the quintessential teenage experience.  And sometimes I wonder if the quintessential teenage experience is even worth it... But I wish I had the chance to find out (and maybe I will, given college is starting soon...)

Still haven't finished half of the Iliad.  I have around five books to go (a hundred pages)!!

Tags: age, college, thoughts
Why: restless

I feel fine, for the most part.  But underlying it all is this hugely complex emotional muddle, encompassing graduating high school and feeling both pathetically sad and pathetically excited for college.  I miss my friends already (aided by the fact that I haven't seen any of them in weeks).  Mostly now I'm just stuffing my face, reading fanfic/assorted novels, going to my internship a little half-heartedly, and feeling uncertain.  

It's odd to think that the experience that I had been looking forward to for so long--college--is almost upon me.  That I'm no longer a Hunterite.  I never thought I'd be so sad about it, but I am.  And I'm not even sure what I'm so grieved about.  My childhood? My innocence? My friends? My happiness? (Sheltered, essentially...)  All of these were constructions, or there exist parts of high school that almost negate them.  (Maybe not the happiness, though. ) So I don't know.

Maybe I'm sad because it ends a chapter of my life that I almost never appreciated when I was in the middle of it.  Maybe I'm mourning all the circumstances that led me here, to who I am (inflexibly).   I'm an adult now, even if I'm not one yet, mentally, and the idea is terrifying and makes me happy... and it makes me depressed.  I'm almost part of the system, now.  What to do now?  (Asides from the rest of my life.) It feels like I'm in a car that's going too fast.

Why: pensive
Listening to: Incubus -- Nowhere Fast

The last few days of school have come and gone, and now only Monday's left.  Two days ago was prom, and I'm still kind of recuperating. xD

The two biggest things that threw me for a loop was that two guys I had minor crushes on had dates with them--both of them girls who were once Hunterites... I think I feel bitter about this.  But I never showed that I was interested--and if I did, it was in a very shy and careful way... It just feels so *weird* to suddenly see a girl with him.  And I couldn't have really had a date, either, since I was with a group that didn't have any dates--it would have been exceedingly awkward to have a guy along--

For one guy I know nothing ever happened, or had happened for years, but for the other, I have been hanging around regularly with him.

I'm jealous and bitter, and I feel dowdy.  Maybe I've gotten my just desserts; of course, it doesn't help that I'm so damn nervous and twitchy about the very idea of being in a relationship.  I practically read romance for a living, and I'm terrified at the thought of asking someone to even dance with me.  I hope that college cures this +_+ asjlk;fasdlkjfas

Regardless, prom was fun.  I had a great time dancing, ear-shatteringly loud music and crowded dancing area aside.  Plus, afterwards, it was really nice to hang out with so many friends.  Karaoke was fun, even though I was dropping off at times and my voice nearly gave out.   

Everything passed like a dream, so quickly.  It's suddenly the end, and the realization that there really isn't any more left is there, so present.  In some ways, Hunter was a second home for me, these past six years.

Today was Carnival.  It totally crept up on me... Plus it wasn't that great, compared to other years.  Most of the library group ditched school and went off somewhere to eat and shop.  I couldn't, because I had to help out with clubs... and at the same time, I kind of wanted to stay.  Because it was Carnival, after all...

It could have been better, though. I sort of wandered around and I didn't eat as much interesting junk food as I, in retrospect, would have wanted to eat.  (I just got some "soul food" and stole a bunch of marshmallows from the defunct s'mores table.)   I didn't even get married. +_+ Or go on the bouncy castle. ;;__;  (They collapsed it before I managed to muster people to go.)

I have some nice pictures, though, and it was nice at times.  Crowded, with less of my friends around, and of course with some bitterness at the juniors for having the steps when we didn't last year.  I forgot how nice it looks to have a swarm of people on them.  And the korean drumming group was great. :)

Ah, well.  One more step closer to the end of high school.

Lol, I still need to do my log for the HSP class.  Mine is three weeks late, at this point. XD

Why: wistful

So while for the most part I'm feeling apathetic and I'm concentrated on enjoying the end of the school year, I find myself occasionally getting depressed. 

I feel lonely, but I know that a huge part of it is a self-imposed loneliness, an inability at this moment to reach out to anyone...  Partly due to not getting enough sleep and not showering for the past two days--I feel like there's this thin film of grease on my skin. I want to immerse myself in boiling water.

I'm trying to read Howards End but Forster irritates me with his superficial dialogue.  As in, everything that everyone says must be blindingly enigmatic and odd.  Inner life? Outer life?  I guess I'm frustrated because Margaret and Henry seem to barely have a connection or even feelings for each other... Henry's attempts to pigeonhole Margaret seem to spell disaster to me, but then I am a Liberated woman.  :/ And if you wanted to get technical, I probably would bend over to a dude's demands, since I'm indecisive like that.  (If you disregard my own interests in whatever the issue is, of course.)

I should go home instead of loitering. *sigh*  It's just I feel discontent and fatigued.  I want things to change.  I want to have a social life and have fun and make all these awesome new friends and have bucketloads of independence (and maybe when I'm feeling less tired/depressed I'll probably want to learn things, too). asfj;lsadjf

Tags: fail mails, thoughts

So I finished those five AP tests, even the dastardly ones like Calculus BC and Economics (aka the Double Damnation).  Funnily enough, I find myself sinking further into apathy. XD;  I don't bother with checking my answers; as soon as I finish I put my head down to sleep... xD AND I DON'T CARE!!!! :D

Well, it's over with, and I can finally get back to relative normalcy (without all that stress and work)!!  I still have some things left in class, namely a few finals and projects, but ye gods!  It's pretty much the beginning of the end.  I've got my prom invitation--dateless, of course, unless I ask some random Asian dude for appearance's sake.. ><; And I know I have my eye sort of on one but ... I haven't talk to him in a while and it's not like he's shown any interest in me. ;;;___;;; T. has been bothering me about getting one (and if I harbored a few day dreams about him asking me no one will ever know XD;) and suggested Michael C, which surprised me because I thought he already had a date, lol. XD

The rub is that the only reason I'd ask someone is because I want a *date,* not because I genuinely want to be with them at prom (much less show them to my parents ><;;;;;;;;;;).  And it feels like asking one because of that seems a surefire way to ruin what could be a really nice night.   But then again it might not be as bad as I fear... and while I do like dressing up, it would be nicer to dress up for someone, wouldn't it?

I'll have to get the tire to my bike repaired--I was out biking and a shard of glass deflated one of the tires, which sucked because it was a really great day to go biking--all blustery and windy, the sky gray, the roads deserted.

Every once in a while I'll remember I'm going to college (and where) and I'll feel a little like crying.  ><

Plus I've been addicted to Georgette Heyer lately.  So far I've read Cotillon, the Quiet Gentlemen, the Masqueraders, The Nonesuch, The Corinthian, Faro's Daughter, Regency Buck, and parts of A Convenient Marriage, Friday's Child, and False Colors (the latter two I'm slowly making my way through :D).  Gosh, do I want to read more!! :D I absolutely loved Faro's Daughter (once I got past my impressions of Deborah being a gamester), The Corinthian (Sir Richard is one of my favorite Heyer males thus far--his lines, especially in the beginning, are classic), and The Masqueraders (GENDERBENDER. Need I say more!??!?!?  XDD) alsdjf;lasdkjfsdaf

want moar. xD ^__^ I recommend to anyone who adores Austen!

Tags: school, spinster for life
Why: thoughtful

So I'm a freaking shitbag and I avoid things out of a deep sense of guilt.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry to the person I promised a Kakasaku drabble--I sincerely planned on writing it over Christmas break, but I literally was slammed by a two-by-four of work before the holidays.  And then my brother came to the city, and then I was writing college apps, and then I found out that I fucked up my application to Stanford, and it was too late to fix it.  So I never wrote it.  I don't think I will, though I have a page down somewhere.  I might, but rivers of life and etc. intervene.

I'm sorry.  I know someone wrote something for me and I never bothered to read it or comment, because I was scared and stupid.  But I'm sure it was wonderful, exactly what I had wanted.

In other news, I got into college (just a website-clicking away, pretty much, from being in one).  Four months ago I was depressed, I hated myself.  I don't know how much further along I've gotten since then.  I feel like the time passed in a hazy blur, and I desperately wish that time was back again--where did it go?

With each step it's going faster.  I'm a child, immature at heart, and even though once upon a time I wanted to get away from here, this place (desperately), I know better now.  Isn't it just exchanging one prison for another (in less emo terms)?

I don't deserve my good fortune, and yet somehow things ended up so well.  It's freaking insane, that's what it is.  I'm scared that I'll fuck it up, I'm scared that I'll do something hideously stupid and ruin it all.  Because it's just... it worked out. I get to go to an amazing school relatively close to my house, in the city I grew up in.  Even though I'm not keen on years more of being in this grey, polluted, dreary, lonely city... at the same time, I'm a little happy (a little).  There's so much I haven't seen yet, even though I've lived so much of my life close by.  

Afterwards I'm definitely going away for a bit, though.

And I get to do the thing that I want (research), and I get a chance to learn at one of the best universities in the world. It's freaking amazing, that's what it is. I'm glad I got into Cornell and Macaulay Honors, because it enabled me to bargain for better finaid and it humbled me, but... I don't know.  I feel like Columbia's the one.

Ms. Salzman, two years ago I think you changed my life.  I wish I could tell you just how much.

Who knows if I'll change my mind, though?  I may yet decide I want to be an English major (lol), or go into Econ (ditto).  I may realize that research *is* insane and that I'm better off being a secretary, for my peace of mind.  At the moment I don't think so.

God, I just have to get through the next three weeks without breaking.  The next four days will be the most difficult--I hope I make it...

I just wish I wasn't so stupid.  I think I'll always be wrestling with the fact that I'm retarded and really don't know shit; that I can't control myself or be responsible; that I'm vain and selfish and greedy.   But thank you, life, fate, god, Omnipotent Mathematician of the Universe, for giving me these chances.  Even if I don't deserve them, I'll still try to aspire to be a better person because of them.

Tags: lifefail, school, stupidity

Sometimes it's a small thing, a stupid mistake.  A moment of forgetfulness.  But life is what it is--unforgiving.  So you have to move on, even when all you can do is think about it.  When after everything that takes your mind off of it, you lurch back to reality, and sometimes it makes you want to cry.  When you start to hate yourself and doubt yourself because of it.  It's as though you're walking through a tunnel, dark and dead and empty, and you want to find the exit, you want to go out into the light, but the light doesn't exist anymore.

I think that these past two, three days have maybe been the worst in my entire life (the moment, that terrible moment when I was frozen in shock, when i kept rereading the message, when i was shaking, falling apart, unable to speak or think or do anything but cry), but there might be worse later.  Maybe this is what you call a life-changing experience, except I don't feel any better than when this started, just so much worse, almost bitter.  

I want to find my own happiness.  I hope I can do that, despite this doubt, but of course it is so easy to self-destruct...

Tags: college, thoughts
Why: melancholy

 I was supposed to write a fic for somebody at the kakasaku community, but I was freaking out over college essays for the past week, and utterly inundated with school work, the school concert, and working at my internship before winter break. But I have an idea! And as soon as I finish writing the supplements to Stanford, and look over every last essay one more time, and fill in all the crap on the Columbia application and the supplements, I will write it! +__+

I really sorry! TT___TT

I'm too scared to look at my friends page because of this mess...
*sigh*

New Year's Resolutions?
a) Finish Panacea.  Which may be a pipe dream? But I want to write it.  I want to get up to the part where things start to *happen.* (Finally..)
b) Submit a paper on my research to Intel's Science and Engineering Fair.. which is due this January 7th. Which I kind of still haven't started.  Fuck. ><
c) Get into college.  Which is really more up to the colleges at this point then me, but I still hope...
d) Exercise more frequently/Get into shape.  The typical NYR... I've been eating bread pudding and stressing out, and as soon as everything boils over, *maybe* I'll have the chance to go out biking on the weekends... I haven't gained a ridiculous amount of weight over the holidays, but ever since I quit track I've gained a substantial amount of flab.
e) Read Paradise Lost.
f) Get a date to prom. TT__TT;
g) Or maybe even a normal date.
h) I'm not picky.  Even a really friendly gay guy friend would do! ><; But I don't know if i have one.. So maybe get a best guy friend, lol.

Mom is screaming at me, so I have to go.  >< 
Happy New Year's... :)

Tags: college is killing me, new years resolutions, thoughts

Thanksgiving was okay?  The food was delicious, and I watched Superbad with mom (which was v. epic! XD).  And then the rest of the time I sat in front of my computer doing nothing, like watching six episodes of My Boss My Hero and fangirling over Tomoya Nagase. NGH.  Even my dreams last night featured some or the other asian bishies.  ><;

Somewhere in all that I managed to get some drafts of a few college essays, like the ones for CUNY Honors and for the common app, but they all kind of sucked.  *sigh* I'm in the process of totally trashing my chem-related essay, deleting nearly everything except one paragraph and a sentence, and rewriting everything.  It makes me feel like a butcher.  And also wonder, will I ever get something I'm satisfied with?

I also have an old essay about Evangelion, which I touched up.  We'll see whether I'll use it for anything... xD;; I'm kind of hoping I do get to, but at the same time I'm not too sure if it puts me in the best light?  Or even if a college admissions dude would get all the nuances. Hmm.

Anyway, I stayed up a little late reading this one book by Sharon Shinn, and then found I couldn't fall asleep, because my blood was pumping and whatnot.  I ended up spending the night literally tossing and turning, unable to sleep deeply, and then all of a sudden it was time for me to wake up for school and I felt like complete and utter crap.  A little nauseaous, unable to stand, my vision dimming and lightening by turns, lightheaded, cold... my face was really pale.  Even after I ate breakfast and took a shower, I didn't feel particularly well, and by that point it was way past the time I should have started heading off to school..

I feel really guilty about not going to school because I felt bad in the morning.  Maybe if I went to school I wouldn't feel so bad.  So taking the day off might have been just me trying to get more sleep, selfishly...

It's as though school has become my reason for existence, and when I purposefully miss out on it, there is this gaping sense of limbo that surrounds me.  I look at the clock and think, right now I'd be having Chorus... I wonder if Mr. Crouch will notice that I'm not there?  And now it's lunch... I probably would stay in the cafeteria, pick at my food like usual...

It seems kind of pathetic when I think of it.  I've been conditioned to go to school, even when I've only gotten a few hours of sleep before, even when I feel slightly nauseous in the morning, even when I'm coughing.  Even when all I have that day is two or three classes, because I can never have an unexcused absence.

But, I can't let myself think of this any longer, because it's dangerous. xD The fact of the matter is, I need to go to school every day, unless I'm pretty much physically incapable of doing so.

I had a dream just now where one of my childhood friends who went to Stuy died, and I actually started crying in my sleep.   ><

Edit: I'm going to try to do a fic for the kakasaku gift exchange~!! xD

Tags: school is my reason for existence, thoughts, tomoya
Why: pensive